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Her Story & His Story

by Sanjenbam Jugeshwor Singh
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In the journey of our life, to establish a society, we get married, whether it may be love one or arranged one. Many love marriage ended with fiasco and many arranged one led a very successful one. Due to misunderstanding or our possessiveness many interesting cases occurred among the husband and wife. Let’s see a few interesting cases of her story and his story.
Her story: We had a love marriage and all was well until my younger sister came back from the US. I have often noticed how my husband keeps checking her out. There was some initial shame when I would catch him but now he doesn’t bother. I suspect my husband is attracted to my sister and she seems to be ok with it!” .My sister is a young, 23-year-old! I am aghast that my sister has never brought up this topic to me. Why isn’t she complaining or uncomfortable with this? We women have a strong sixth sense. When I tried to indirectly confront my husband about it, he shoved it off saying it’s just my insecurity talking. I don’t know how to address this issue! It is spoiling two very important relationships of my life!
His story: My sister-in-law just returned after finishing her studies abroad. When she left, she was like a kid but she has returned as a grown, beautiful woman. My wife thinks I have feelings for her but she is totally wrong. She caught me staring at her when in reality I was just zoned out thinking about the new project I am working on. She indirectly called me a predator and I know that my wife’s jealous side is making her think so. I cannot think about my sister-in-law in that manner—she is a kid! The situation is getting very ugly and I don’t feel like coming home honestly.
What a woman wants might be the biggest mystery but surely, what a man wants is ‘lust’ is the most common myth of mankind. It’s very common for a man to think of how he will save the world during an apocalypse while watching a romantic movie with the crush of his dreams. Many of us think that women are the real admirers of beauty but in reality, men are no less even if their definition of beauty differs. That’s why you will see 20 men leaving their own work to patiently sit and look at a man digging with JCB. In this, I am not defending every stare but telling the difference between looking and staring.
For Her: It’s very normal to have this kind of feeling and this kicks in even more frequently when you are not happy about how you are vs how you used to be (unintentional and unconscious comparison of yourself with your sister). You are absolutely right that women do have a sixth sense but so does your sister; if there was anything wrong, she must have reacted (even if not telling you). Our surroundings have put a myth in our heads about “saali aadhigharvali” (your sister-in-law is like your half-wife) and that myth has put suspicion (in women) and lust (in men) in people’s heads but as I said it’s just wrong thinking and doesn’t affect everyone. I will strongly recommend looking at this relationship with beauty and not suspicion.
For Him: Talk to your wife openly about it and win her trust and confidence. Open communication is the best possible medicine for suspicion. Also don’t blame your wife for this because the more you will blame her, the more she will assume that you are hiding something. Think from her point of view too.
 I think rather than focusing on the relationship between your husband and your sister, it’s important that you focus on the relationship with your husband; it’s possible that deep-rooted insecurity and lack of steam in your relationship is making you mistrust him. If there were any issues then your sister would complain, I think the mistrust you have with your husband needs to be resolved as this can become a reason for losing the relationship. Sometimes we over think and project our insecurity and it’s also possible that even if he’s checked her out, it’s completely harmless.
Her story: I love my husband but I feel guilty for fantasizing about my ex. I miss certain things he used to do to make me feel loved and wanted, not just sexually but in other small gestures too. I have all the comforts in my present life but there’s no passion. I know my husband cares for me and I care for him too and I wouldn’t want to do anything to wreck our relationship but I feel lonely and unloved deep within. I am sometimes so worried that instead of my husband’s name I will take my ex’s name. It is becoming a bit of a mess and I think my husband can feel that distance too. I don’t want to ruin my marriage over this but I can’t help it.
His story: I have caught my wife on two occasions when she was about to call me by another man’s name but stopped mid-way. She tried to cover up with some other sentence or acted nonchalant. I too did not say anything but I feel something is going on… could she be cheating on me? I don’t want to lose her, what can I do to bring my marriage back on track.
I think the both of you need to sit down and communicate. You both are operating on presumptions while desiring the same things. Unless we discuss and share our dissatisfaction we won’t be able to fulfill each other’s needs. Without fear and judgment, discuss your needs with your partner and ask them what they need to feel more fulfilled in this relationship. Once you both know what the other person desires, try to take action on it. Only when we love unconditionally are we able to feel loved. Be assured nobody is doing anything harmful; the distance can be bridged with communication.
In relationships, not every separation separates the two persons. Sometimes, even though we are technically separated and even attached to the new partner; a subtle thread stays connected to our past. Especially, when the end was ‘situational’ and not the fault of anyone.
For Her: Feelings follow the simple rule- “More effort you make to surpass them, the more it bounces”. The best way here will be to talk about it to your husband. Take simple small steps to check his reaction and focus on the timing of this discussion (when you both are very comfortable). Talk about what you will prefer in your relationship with your husband (don’t take it up as comparison with your ex).
There’s nothing wrong with reminiscing about the past, you are thinking about it because you are deeply connected to your relationship (even your past). If you try to cover it (and as you are unable to); this will create a lot of suspicion in the mind of your partner which is a very bad state for any relationship.
For Him: Suspicion is the world of uncountable possibilities which mostly end in disaster. Pick a beautiful evening, win the trust of your partner, make her comfortable and talk about it clearly. Don’t assume, ask and understand her point of view.
(Writer can be reached to:sjugeshwor7@gmail,com)

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