Yes, the biological side effects are real. For instance, erectile dysfunction is to men what the menopause is for women. It can happen anytime to men; age factors count for little. Man’s greatest fear is underperformance when they need it the most. Middling performance is more frequent than a concrete midlife crisis for men, and it can happen anytime for multiple reasons like stress, boredom, fear of body shaming, performance worries, medication or simply lack of opportunities!
Let’s turn to the psychology behind the midlife crisis. This stage of life can be perfectly mapped to the U-shaped curve of Happiness, which coincides with time from childhood through old age. According to studies by economists and psychologists, we were happiest when we were children; it tapers off slowly and dips at its lowest point in midlife. The happiness level then rises to its peak again in old age. In other words, young people overestimate happiness in their future, while midlifers underestimate happiness in old age. (Read Happiness: Lessons from a New Science by Richard Layard).
When we were young, we thought we had all the time in the world. The world seems like a big supermarket with endless shelves of items to pick from. It was a time of plenty concerning lifestyle choice, artistic state, romance, and idealism. We were at a crossroads with millions of pathways to follow. At 30, you must have already decided on a path beyond the point of no return. We were hustling and putting in hard work for recognition, achievement, financial rewards and that multipurpose yet amorphous concept called success. Then, you hit roadblocks. Reality was not as rosy as it seemed. The thorns scratched us and left scars. But we persevered until we settled for a leaner version of success. Then there is the luck factor, being at the right place at the right time and knowing the right person. On top of these essential factors, our personality, genetic disposition and baseline neurochemistry determine our happiness level. Happiness, indeed, is a heady cocktail of many ingredients.
At 40, we would have reconciled with our weaknesses, strengths and limitations. We have stabilised our ambitions and projects and accepted, though grudgingly, the dice that life rolled for us. Radical Acceptance is the phrase that comes to mind, and people who haven’t embraced this fact become trainwrecks. Knowing this also does not guarantee any inner peace. A thirst is still unquenched while the body starts decaying, at which point we realise the immutability of finite existence and mortality. Midlife is more about existential thoughts than the reevaluation of achievements or failures. We become poets and philosophers to ask the eternal question: “Is this all? What’s the purpose of my life?”
However, as the U-curved happiness hypothesis tells us, once we are past this nagging preoccupation, the journey to old age is paved with enhanced life satisfaction, happiness, and self-awareness. With old age, people heave a sigh of relief, free from the societal expectations for industry and hard labour, retired from the rat race with abundant leisure to appreciate nature, savour small joys and passions. In oriental societies like Korea and China, where filial piety and seniority are respected, becoming a senior citizen is a boon. People start bowing before you, and you get the right of passage on priority. Life gets easier.
How should we cope with a midlife crisis when we are at the low valley of the U-shaped Happiness Curve during our 40-65 age bracket? Simple: Just wait it out. The storms will pass, and sunshine will be near. The only problem is that waiting is like sitting on sharp pins. The right intervention to eliminate this malaise is by changing our mindset. A little tweaking of our attitude to life, focusing on embracing imperfection, living in the present, letting go of goal-oriented thinking, and enjoying the process is the oft-quoted panacea. This counsel smells of cliches, I know. The point is they work. Exercise is good for health. Yet many of us don’t even move a muscle. In that way, these worn-out words are most effective when we implement them earnestly, not just by intellectualising. Philosopher Kieran Setiya, in his book Midlife: A Philosophical Guide, differentiates a goal from a lifelong, fulfilling engagement. Goals are telic activities such as getting that promotion with a definite start and an endpoint that, once achieved, will give birth to another higher ambition. Atelic activity is like a lifelong passion for arts, parenting, volunteering for society, something selfless and higher than yourself that never ends but fulfills your soul while involved in it.
It seems pertinent to mention that I have a friend who is more successful, good-looking, and well-known but appears to be sitting pretty low on the valley of the U curve. This friend should be thanking the stars instead. Not all people face a midlife crisis. The less fortunate don’t have time to harbour feelings of emptiness because they are too busy slogging day and night to get two square meals a day.
On the other hand, my midlife crisis is peculiar: I have no idea whether I am going through a Quarter-Life crisis.